Let's Play: City Life

If you're a criminal, you probably should stop reading this RIGHT NOW and start weeping terrified tears of fear. Seriously, you should be shaking in your little stolen boots.

Because recently I discovered my true calling in life – to become a great CRIME FIGHTER! I'm going to be just like Batman, except with less money/silly bat costumes/talent.

How did I discover this new love of fighting crime? By playing City Life by PixelHeads on the Minecraft Marketplace!

I load up the map and prepare to enjoy exploring the big city! But I spawn in a police station. Uh oh. Waking up in a police station is rarely good news. Trust me on this.

I'm about to scream “YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” and jump out of the police station window, when I spot this poster on the wall:

A $5000 dollar reward? Crime doesn't pay, but apparently stopping crime pays out massively.

Just think what I could do with $5000 dollars! I could give it all to charity! Or spend it all on my favourite person – me! Yeah, let's go with the second one.

Now if you recognise my name, 'Tom Stone', then you already know that I'm no stranger to fighting crime. But if I was going to catch this monster, I'd need the appropriate uniform – so I equipped the City Life Police Officer skin.

The police officers in this station are very friendly to this new rookie. They keep saying things like “good day, sir!” and “how are you, sir?” How nice! I'm more used to hearing stuff like “sir, that buffet was meant to be for everyone.”

If they're this polite now, just imagine how they'll treat me after I catch that criminal! I'll be their GOD.

I can even picture the headline already LOCAL DIM CATCHES CRIM: Best living detective since Sherlock Holmes.

TIME'S UP, CRIME!

As soon as I step outside, I see several police cars, practically begging to be taken for a spin. I run up to the closest one and hop behind the wheel.

And the best part about this is, since I'm only taking this police car to help catch a criminal, this isn't technically stealing!

Well, technically it totally is – but no time to worry about that now - I've got a criminal to catch!

Catching this monster was gonna be harder than I thought, so I try reading the book 'CATCHING CRIMINALS FOR DUMMIES'. It's pretty hard to turn the pages while driving at the same time. I try reading 'READING A BOOK WHILE DRIVING FOR DUMMIES' but encounter similiar problems. Should've got the audiobook, I guess.

Keeping my eyes on the road while simultaneously reading a book is obviously quite tricky, so I just read the book and ignore the road. Apologies to any pedestrians I might've hit. Justice is blind!

Still the criminal eludes me. Clearly he's as cunning as I am handsome. So I leap out of the car (probably should've tried to park it first – oh well) and decide to take nice walk around the city. Maybe I'll have more luck destroying crime forever and ever and ever on foot?

As I explore the city, I find loads of shops with unlocked doors, no occupants guarding their stock and chests full of loot. I can certainly see why a criminal would like this place. After all, I'm having a great time stealing from them, and I'm not even a criminal!

M pockets full of loot/recent weight gain was starting to slow me down. But soon, I had even bigger problems.

Undead problems.

Seems this city has a zombie problem. Which iss bad, because I have a secretly-I'm-a-total-coward-and-zombies-make-me-curl-up-and-cry-like-a-baby problem.

But crying like a baby would have to wait – this city needs me! Which is why I'm sorry that I totally started crying like a baby anyway. And then ran away. Also like a baby.

Desperate for shelter/safety/a hug, I approach a friendly-looking stranger so I can ask for directions to the nearest hiding place:

Well, no time to just stand around mourning my own death – I have a criminal to track down. Too bad I forgot to get that nice strangers number – I'm sure we were destined to be BFF's, and he could've helped me search for the criminal!

In fact, to help remind myself what the criminal looks like, I decide to take another look at that wanted poster.

Wait a minute...

Wow, my new BFF sure does look similar to the completely different person on the wanted poster. What a funny coincidence!

Wait...

Oh.

Oh no.

LOCAL DIM FAILS TO CATCH CRIM

Realising I was a complete and utter failure wasn't much fun. Not even a pleasant bike ride through the city could help. Maybe because I don't know how to ride a bike?

I get off my crashed bike and walk miserably through the streets I'd failed oh so badly.. A man yelled “I love this city!” in my face.

So did I, pal. So did I.

My bad mood showed no signs of improving. Came across a movie theatre. Maybe seeing a movie will cheer me up?

Bah! Knowing my luck, they're probably only showing something like 'SOMEONE DROPPING AN ICE CREAM WITHOUT EVEN GETTING TO EAT ANY OF IT FIRST: THE MOVIE'.

So I decide to swing by this school instead:

Perhaps in the fine halls of this House of Education, I can learn how to be less of an idiot?

I stroll inside and find some 'lockers' in the hall (switches that reveal chests containing school books and apples – neat!)

Apple in hand, I kick open the door of the nearest classroom and take a seat. “'Sup Teach,” I say, putting my feet up on my desk. “Learn me up some smart-smarts!”

“What a beautiful day!” say the teacher.

Oh cool! This must be a 'day describing' class! Uh oh. Better get this down if I don't want to flunk.

I quickly write down 'WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY' in my notebook. Except I don't have a notebook, so I just write it on my desk. Except I don't have a pen, so I try to carve it into my desk with my pickaxe.

This turns out not to be such a good idea.

The teacher walks over the remains of my desk and storms out of the classroom in disgust. Maybe higher education isn't for me. Perhaps a new career instead?

One of the City Life skins let me dress as the Bandit?! Aka, the criminal! Aka the crook! Aka the man who ruined my entire life and probably my death too somehow.

But hang on... perhaps this is the break in the case I've been looking for! If I disguise myself as the bandit, he'll never suspect me of being a crime-fighter, and I can get the drop on him. He'll just think I was a big fan of his work and that I'd decided to cosplay as him.

Ho ho ho – what an idiot!

I'm gonna go undercover - but can I be convinicing as a dirty criminal when I'm really the Greatest Person of All Time?

I run around the city, loudly talking about how lonely it iss being a crook and how much I'd love a fellow crook to commit dastardly deeds with and to hold my hand for moral support when I'm commiting burglaries. Wierdly, this doesn't work.

Hmmm, perhaps my disguise isn't good enough? To look more convincing, I start looting more shops, smashing windows and lining my pretty pockets with piles of stolen goods. Not because I want to do this – of course not! - I just need to look like a convincing criminal.

And if that meant I was going to have to own lots of nice things without paying for them, well... that was a risk I was willing to take. That's just how noble I am. Feel free to applaud.

There's a lot of police officers in this city and unless it's my famously incredibly over-active borderline-delusional imagination, they're shooting me some very suspicious looks. Awesome! My disguise was starting to work!

I celebrate by smashing some more windows and stealing some more cars. Got to stay in character, after all.

That's when I stumble across a cheerful looking place called the MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.

Suddenly I have a great idea – I could save money on laundry by just licking my clothes clean! Then I have an even better idea – what if this is where the criminal was hiding?

Think about it – if you were a creepy criminal hiding from the World's Greatest Crimefighter (me), where would you hide? You'd pick the place I'm the least likely to suspect. And what's less likely than a maximum security prison?

Convinced my hunch is correct, I enter the prison.

OMG! The criminal IS in here! In fact, multiple criminals!

For the first time in my life, I'm actually right!

I repeat...

I WAS ACTUALLY RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING!!!

I've found several criminals, each more wicked than the last, all hiding in the cells. How incredibly crafty – obviously they were just pretending to be locked away. No doubt the moment my back is turned they'll slide under the cell doors and pickpocket me to death!

Well that might have fooled the trained police officers standing guard, but I wasn't buying it. I run up to the switches and open all the cell doors, so the criminals could walk out and taste some justice, Tom Stone-Style!

This turns out not to be such a good idea.

Seems my hunch might have been less 'brilliant', and more 'the stupidest mistake someone has ever made in the entire history of time'.

Because these criminals seem delighted to have been let free by me. Police officers desperately chase them around the prison, swinging their truncheons and trying to fix my terrible mistake.

I decide to hide in one of the cells until the heat dies down. Hey, at least I'm dressed appropriately for it! Every cloud!

I've been in this prison cell for five years now. Or maybe it's been five minutes. It's hard to keep track of time in here. Sure, a prison cell isn't an ideal place to live, but let's face facts – the city is probably a lot safer with me in here.

You can find City Life by PixelHeads by searching 'City Life' on the Minecraft Marketplace. Hope you do better living in the city than I did!

I mean, could you really do worse?

You can find City Life on Marketplace by clicking on this line of lovely green text.