Unsung Hero

The excavation that follows is hard work, but before too long my base is complete with the following features:

• A viewing platform overlooking the village. It's the perfect place to monitor the village for signs of criminal activity, or to pose for movie posters and comicbook covers.
• A hidden entrance at the mountain's peak. I place a sign next to the door that says "There is nothing to see here". That's sure to bamboozle any nosey villagers.
• A helipad. Because I think it's safe to assume I will have a helicopter one day. I deserve one.
• A lava pit. That's sure to come in handy when I inevitably turn into a supervillain - I mean, when I want to heat up some water for a lovely warm bath. 

With my secret base operational, all that's left to do is to arm myself appropriately. I grab a sword and shield, as well as equipping the elytra that helps me glide directly from my base to the village at the first sign of trouble. Could have been a cape, though. I can't help but feel there's a missed opportunity here; Mojang, if you like capes so much, make one for us knights of the night!

My first patrol begins at dusk. As the sun sinks lower and lower in the sky, I note approvingly that the villagers are returning to their homes for the night. Eager to demonstrate my boundless enthusiasm for villager-safety, I gently nudge a few stragglers in the direction of home while it's still light out. 

When night eventually falls, the village is quiet. With no hostile mobs in sight, I try to think of other ways to protect and serve. I construct a loudspeaker in the centre of the village so that I can broadcast a 'safety siren' all through the night. It seems to me the perfect way to reassure villagers that all is well - unfortunately, I have no idea how to make it work.

Instead, I decide to do things the old-fashioned way. I go from house to house and peer in through the window to ensure that each and every villager is tucked up safe and sound. Sure, they might not like me staring at them while they try to sleep, but they'll be thanking me once the marauding hordes turn up.

Then I hear a noise. I stop in my tracks and strain my ears to listen. I am met with nothing but silence. Perhaps I imagined it. It must be almost midnight now, and the eerie darkness can play tricks on you. Perhaps it was – ouch. Okay, I have been pierced by an arrow. I definitely didn't imagine that. 

I draw my sword, ready to leap into superheroic action. Embarrassingly, however, I can't actually see my enemy. I wheel around in circles, hoping to catch sight of my assailant. While I spin like an nitwit (no offense, nitwit villagers), another two arrows whizz through the air and lodge into the meat of me with a dull thud. I really hope none of the villagers are watching this. 

After what feels like minutes, I finally come face to face with my enemy: a skeleton archer. I call out my epic superhero catchphrase – "please, please, please just leave me alone" – and charge into the fray.

One biff, two bams, and an unexpected kapow later, and my adversary is on the ropes. But then, like a true villain, they stop playing fair. The telltale hiss of a creeper is my first clue that enemy reinforcements have arrived, and before I know it I am surrounded by more mobs than I could possibly hope to defend against. Faced with overwhelming odds, I sprint into the woods.

Later, unreliable so-called witnesses would claim that I was "crying like a big baby" at the time and that I was repeatedly shouting "take the village as your prize" in the direction of the mobs. I would like to take this opportunity to refute these rumours. Nevertheless, my superhero credentials now lie in tatters and my reputation with the villagers has fallen to new lows.

At this point, it would be all too easy to fall into a pit of despair (or just a regular pit, as it's still very dark out). But there's no time for self-pity. Instead, I start sketching out my next plan to make the villagers love and respect me in a way that definitely isn't needy or weird. 

Because if there's one thing I've learned from my attempt to embody the heroic ideals of justice, protection, and flying-really-fast, it's that you should never give up. Unless, of course, things get too chaotic and scary in which case tearfully running into the woods is an entirely legitimate course of action.