New show alert: The Secrets of Minecraft

Meet the stars of our new YouTube series!

Secrets! We all have them. For example, I secretly tell people at parties that Minecraft was all my idea. Then they ask me to prove it. Then I run away crying. What were we talking about again?

Oh, that’s right. Our new YouTube series that tells you The Secrets of Minecraft! Every month we’ll be spilling the tea on the crafting game that has even more skeletons in its closet than it does in its mines. You can watch the trailer below. I’d highly recommend watching it if you want any of this article to make sense (and even then… no promises).

This new show is hosted by Narrator, the mysterious British monster man who hosted our last YouTube series, How We Make Minecraft. Was he fun to work with? Er… hey, let’s meet our other co-host!  

It’s M.A.R.I.L.L.A, the acclaimed android who hosted our first series, Ten Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Minecraft. She’s brilliant. And I’m not just saying that because she has access to my computer, which means she has access to a folder on my hard drive that I truly can’t afford to get leaked...  

The Secrets of Minecraft will premiere this Friday, July 30, on the official Minecraft YouTube channel. Click here to go to the channel and subscribe so you don’t miss out!

To celebrate the new show, I decided to exclusively interview both the stars. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Enjoy!

So what made you two want to host a show together?

NARRATOR: We didn’t.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Hang on… We’re hosting the show together?

NARRATOR: We’ve already filmed 2,893,000 episodes. How can you possibly not know that we’re hosting a show together?!

Yeah… about that. Apparently, you two argued so much that only nine of those episodes are usable?

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: That’s nine more than I expected!

NARRATOR: I can’t believe I agreed to do this show. I was nearly the lead in Avengers: Endgame.

Really?

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Ha! Nope. He was nearly cast as "Cowardly British Man". But they cut the part straight after meeting him.

NARRATOR: Coward? How dare you! I’m not the spineless one here...

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Oi! What are you implying?

NARRATOR: Nothing. You’re a computer. You literally don’t have a spine.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: *Joyful laughter* Oh yeah!

NARRATOR: *Sigh so heavy he starts worrying about how much air is left in the room*

Er… Can you tell us more about the show?

NARRATOR: No.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Every month, I’ll tell you the secrets of Minecraft. I’ll give you behind-the-scenes gossip about some of the toughest development decisions we’ve ever made, what we’re looking for when we hire developers, and why you should just rewatch my show, 10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Minecraft, instead.

NARRATOR: Rewatch? That’s optimistic. My ratings crushed yours.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Oh please. Mobbo carried your show.

NARRATOR: *Stiff upper lip wobbling slightly* Don’t ever say that name again.

Oh yeah! Aren’t you and Mobbo, like, married now? 

NARRATOR: Let’s talk about something else. 

Like your new show? The one you’re meant to be promoting?

NARRATOR: Ugh. Oh very well. Every month, I’ll be telling you all about the secrets of a certain crafting game. I can’t remember which one. I’ll be using my impeccable British vocal chords, raised on a strict diet of fifty cups of tea a minute, and crumpets that resemble her majesty’s perfect face. I’ll divulge to you several secrets you always wanted to know about Minecraft. And several more you didn’t.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Britain? Hey, what a fun coincidence! I was made in Britain.

(WE HAD TO STOP THE INTERVIEW HERE BECAUSE M.A.R.I.L.L.A CRASHED AND WE HAD TO REBOOT HER. AGAIN.)

NARRATOR: Can you believe I have to work with someone so unprofessional? I wanted to co-host with Jens.

Oh, I don’t think that’s very likely.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Why? I want to co-host with him too! He’s so much better than this guy.

True, but Jens probably wouldn’t do it. For some reason, our scripted shows keep making mean and bizarre jokes about him.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Huh? How come?

Honestly? No idea. Jens is clearly a very talented, kind man who doesn’t deserve any of this borderline-obsessive ridicule. I think the writer of our shows is just a jealous, balding weirdo who will never have the talent to work on something like Minecraft. So instead, he writes bizarre articles wherein he interviews two people who don’t even exist.

NARRATOR: Wow. And I thought I was bad.

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: You are.

NARRATOR: 

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: I’m almost out of battery. Can we wrap this interview up?

But it says here your battery is full?

M.A.R.I.L.L.A: Oh. In that case, I just don’t want to talk to you anymore. Bye!!!!

NARRATOR: *Has somehow already left*

Well that was… enlightening? The Secrets of Minecraft starts on July 30. Subscribe to our YouTube channel so you never miss an episode!

Tom Stone
Written By
Tom Stone
Published

    Block...Block...Block...