Moving house

A tour of the Nether’s hottest properties

After 27 blissful years, my parents have selfishly decided to kick me out of my childhood home. Something about “making my own way in life” and “getting some peace and quiet in their own house”... I couldn’t hear them clearly over this new metal playlist I’ve been listening to on repeat for the past month. So I’ve decided that the best way to get back at them is to follow in Sofia’s footsteps and move to the Nether.   

Since I’m new to the area, I’ve decided to hire Barbara – a Nether-native real estate agent – to walk me through my housing options. Apparently you should choose your Nether home based on size, biome, and probability of death – the latter of which is not always apparent. At this point you might be wondering if I’m sure I want to go through with this, to which I say yes, because 1) I am not a quitter, and 2) my parents have already converted my room into a gym. So let’s jump into that purple vortex, because Barbara is waiting!

Nether Wastes

I first meet Barbara in a large, desolate area – except for a sea of lava and a simple, modern home on the shore. I’ve always wanted a beach house, so much so that I’m willing to overlook the fact that a wooden railing is the only thing standing between me and a bubbling, blubbering sea of doom.

“The Nether wastes are ideal for players looking for spectacular views near the lava sea! This modern split-level home features a solid, Nether brick foundation and glowstone pillars – all made from locally-sourced materials! In the vicinity, you’ll find all the mushrooms you’ll ever need for sustenance, which is especially convenient in the Nether”, Barbara professionally monologues.

“What about the neighbors?” I ask, side-eyeing the Striders casually wading through the lava.

“It’s a very lively neighborhood! You can even trade with the local Piglin population, but make sure you dress to impress! *wink* You’ll run into the occasional Ghast and magma cube, but what neighborhood doesn’t have its troublemakers?”

“So how much is this place anyway?”

“The current owners are in a hurry, so they’re willing to let it go for 2 million emeralds.”

“Yeah, I have 200.”

“Let’s look at some rentals, shall we?”

Warped forest

Moving upwards and away from my millennial dream of home ownership, we approach a dense, blue forest. I knew my budget would involve a commute, but this is a hike and I’m not here for it. 

“We’re here, darling!”, she exclaims as she discreetly hands me a tissue to wipe my brow.

“Is that a… cave house?”

“Well honey, with your budget I had to look at more… unconventional options. The good news is that this is by far the safest neighborhood in the Nether – it’s mostly just Endermen!”

As we enter the house I wonder whether to mention my crippling fear of enclosed spaces, but Barbara immediately starts her spiel:

“This cozy warped forest abode is perfect for a young single lady looking to start a new life in the Nether! The finishing touches include locally-sourced warped planks, Shroomlights, and blackstone from the nearby basalt delta. The surrounding forest is brimming with resources including mushrooms, weeping vines, warped roots, and warped fungus. We have quite a few other players coming in to see it, so act fast! What do you think? Cristina?”

*Whimper*

“Are you alright?”

*Melts into a puddle of sweat* 

Crimson forest

When I come to my senses, we’re back in the forest – except it’s red now? Barbara’s standing over me with her usual sweet salesy smile.

“I took the liberty of bringing you to our next property since you don’t seem to handle enclosed spaces too well. Feeling better? Alright. Follow me.”

I decide not to dwell on how she got me here or why my gold necklace is gone. After all, Babs is a pro. We climb some (very much not edible) red vines and reach... a tree house. Well, a fungus house.

“Barbara, you know I’m technically an adult, right?”

“Keep an open mind, dear! This little crimson plank cottage is perfect for the explorer that just wants a place to respawn and craft. Plus, the elevation keeps any unwanted Piglin guests at bay! Most of the time. This area is very rich in activities – you can mine, chop stems, pick mushrooms, and even hunt Hoglins!”

“Can I fit a bathtub in it?”

“Probably not.”

“What else can you show me?”

Soul sand valley

Given that I fainted by simply being inside a cave house, I’m a bit disappointed that Barbara brought me here. She’s supposed to be a pro. This cavern doesn’t just look terrifying – it sounds terrifying. If this is the price of independence, I’d rather sleep on my dad’s new yet somehow already dust-covered bench press.

“Umm, Barbara? Why are there bones everywhere? And what are those ominous whispers?”

“Trust me, dear, you’ll change your mind once y-”

*BOOM*

...

I’m suddenly woken up by an affectionate scream.

“Cristina, thank goodness you’re more or less in one piece!”

“Sofia? What happened?”

“I saw you next to that Piglin lady and shot a fire charge at her to save you, but I might have underestimated the blast radius.”

“That was Barbara, the Nether real estate agent!”

“Oh. So she’s the one that hasn’t been returning my calls then. In that case, justice is served.”

“Perfectly appropriate response. I’m sure she has a respawn anchor anyway.”

“Yeah, probably. I’ve heard she’s a real pro. So guess what, I was running aw–I mean, chasing a Zoglin when I stumbled upon this awesome cottage that seems to be deserted. It even has a bathtub!”

“Does it also have an extra bedroom?”

And that’s how Sofia and I became roommates sharing a two-bedroom cottage in a soul sand valley biome. It’s nice as long as you don’t mess with the Ghasts. And yes, I run into some skeletons from time to time, but let’s be honest: it’s not like I leave the house that often, if ever.

Oh, and it turns out that Barbara’s tour wasn’t even close to being over. There was another listing in a nearby basalt delta, but then again – who wants to live there?

Would I recommend moving to the Nether? Well, I might be biased because Sofia’s mushroom stew is absolutely divine and I’ve learned to make bath bombs out of crimson roots. But now that I’ve had some time to reflect and heal from the fire charge incident, there’s a strange, addictive charm in the beautiful yet dangerous biomes of the Nether. Why not give Barbara a call and book your own tour? I’m sure she’ll be happy to do it, as long as you’re wearing gold.

Written By
Cristina Anderca
Published

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