Which Writer is the Most Hardcore: Part 2

In the distance I see a village, so I decide to head over. I, of course, steal every loaf of bread and apple in the place. I even steal from this little villager child, who is innocently jumping on his bed as I steal everything down to his bed. I’m a bed hoarder! I can admit this.

I sleep soundly on my stolen bed and regret that this day was not very hardcore. Not very hardcore at all. 

DAY TWO – TOM

Day one, which ended with me basically sobbing inside of a tree, wasn’t the best start. Plus my monument to myself is a little lacking. Rolling Stone called it ‘the worst Minecraft build we’ve ever seen. We don’t even review Minecraft builds, but we felt we had to make an exception here, it’s just that terrible.’ 

I’ll concede it’s not everything I dreamed of and more. To fix this, I need diamonds. It’s time to jump off this cliff to head to lower ground and get mining! 

Once I’d recovered from my many, many fall damage wounds, I crafted a few pickaxes and got to work!

Odd. As I mine deeper underground, I hear an angry hissing sound. But it’s the middle of the day and mobs only come out at night, so it’s probably just Kelsey. There’s no time to worry about ominous hissing anyway, because I’ve just struck coal!

Wait a gosh-darn minute… I’m pretty sure I half-remember someone telling me at school that coal can be turned into diamonds. Eureka! I immediately ignore Minecraft and take out my phone to head online and find out how to transform my coal into my well-deserved riches.

After several hours of reading, I make a horrifying discovery. Humans being able to turn coal into diamonds is a myth. Horrifying discovery number 2: I’ve wasted another day. 

Night has fallen, and there’s no way I’m going to make it back to my birch shack in time. I’ve got no choice but to mine deeper! A hole opens up below me and I jump into it, preparing to relax. After all, what could be safer than a mine in Minecraft?

PER – DAY TWO

New day, new opportunities! New opportunities to die of hunger, haha! Am I going mad? Who am I talking to? Who am I? What’s a ‘Minecraft’?

After spending a miserable night inside the cave, I’m now covered in heavy iron armor, thanks to a chasm rich on resources. But iron ingots can’t satiate my growing hunger, and I need to find food fast in order to stay in the competition. Luckily for me, I discover a school of salmon in the nearby river just next to the cave. This is great news! A Minecraft salmon contains up to four times more protein than the meat of a Minecraft.net writer! If cooked, it’s quite the delicacy (the salmon, not the writer).

Despite my success in finding protein and stuffing my mouth full of fish, I find myself contemplating my life choices and even questioning if I ever truly understood what it meant to be hardcore. Sitting on a beach eating salmon in the sun sure isn’t hardcore, and I start to think it might be better to just throw in the old towel, give up and… wait, hold on. What is that thing on the other side of the lake?

A Pillager Outpost? I’m in the middle of nowhere, stuck with a bunch of good-for-nothing-but-causing-others-harm Pillagers? Like a bolt from the blue, I’m struck with a sudden realisation. What could be more hardcore –the ultimate form of survival – than taking down an entire Pillager Outpost, all by myself?

Suddenly I’m filled with excitement, newfound energy, and massive overconfidence. The symptoms of stuffing six whole salmons into my head without even chewing? No time to think about that now! If I’m to take down those Pillagers, I’m going to need an arsenal of weapons, and lots of protein.

KELSEY – DAY THREE

The other side of the village is on the coast, so I jump back in my boat and hit the high seas. Tom walks by my desk and says “oh a boat? That’s interesting.” I figure he’s just trying to psyche me out, so I go about my rowing and find a sunken ship!

I swim on down and open the first chest to find a bunch of gold and a buried treasure map! People, a treasure map is as hardcore as a piece of paper can be. Imagine having something super cool and instead of leaving it in a normal, easy-to-find place, you decide to create a spiteful scavenger hunt out of it. That is some petty energy I really identify with and respect. 

Suddenly I notice I’m almost out of air! I start taking damage as I race to the surface and make it with only half a heart left. Stressful. I get back in my boat and start hauling off to the nearest island when… my boat disappears!? My boat has been snatched by a bubble column! That was too close. Death by bubbles is probably the least hardcore fate I can imagine. 

I’m swimming, minding my own business… aaaand I’m taking damage again. I look back and see a Drowned chasing after me. Not too bad, I reassure myself, watching my health drop. Then I see two more Drowned. If I can just make it to the island… and nope. Impaled. To death. I want to be annoyed but honestly… the Drowned are SUPER hardcore. I was chased by three Drowned and impaled by a trident as I tried to run away with a bunch of stolen gold and a buried treasure map. I regret nothing.

KELSEY’S RESULTS: DIED
DAYS SURVIVED: THREE

DAY THREE – TOM

A reassuring pool of lava welcomes me to my new underground home.

Then I turn around and meet my apparent new roomate, a Creeper. We’re gonna be the original odd couple! “Point me to the TV, Creeper ol’ chum,” I say before remembering OH NO CREEPERS = BAD.

Thinking fast, I burst into tears. Thinking fast, and usefully, I draw my pickaxe and take a mighty swing at the Creeper. It knocks the lanky green horrorshow back, but it’s explosion still hits me right in the health bar, and sends me stumbling backwards, just a few steps away from the lava!

Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to get a screenshots, as I was too busy fending for my life. So I drew this recreation of how my Creeper battle went down:

But I’ve learnt my lesson. I’m not hardcore. I’m softer than a marshmallow pillow, and proud of it. This horrid mode is far too cruel for someone like me. I quit my game and jump back into the soothing waters of creative mode, where I belong, to build a statue of myself that says I HAPPILY ADMIT DEFEAT in only the softest of wool blocks.

TOM’S RESULT: CONCEDED 
DAYS SURVIVED: THREE.

PER – DAY THREE

No rest for the wicked… or for those lacking a bed because there’s no sheep in the vicinity! “Sleep aren’t that important anyway”, I think as I stumble on a sheep and nearly fall into the cave chasm from which I sourced all my iron. As I proceed with my grand plan to end the Pillager Outpost and claim my place as the one, true hardcore player, I decide to stay up late to find components to craft the weapon I need. Leaving the comfy cave for the pitch black fields outside, I start to hunt for spiders, which contain everything I need for my mission. If fermented and used with sugar, it’s quite the delicacy, but I’m more interested in its strings. It mainly consists of protein, but I need it to craft a deadly crossbow. 

As a new day dawns, I suddenly feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if two voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Something beneficial must have happened. I smirk and then begin to laugh hysterically as I set out towards the Pillager Outpost. I might be losing it because of severe insomnia, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’ll attack at dawn.

KELSEY – DAY FOUR

...Er, I died yesterday, remember? Leave me alone.

TOM – DAY FOUR

Guys, how do you play creative mode? I tried flying and now I can’t get back down :(

PER – DAY FOUR

I start my new day with severe back pain. How is this possible? I had at least five minutes of good night’s sleep on two comfy cobblestone blocks! Refusing to let this be my downfall, I eat the last couple of salmon I caught, then start going through my strategy. The plan is simple: run down the hill towards the outpost and scream like a madman while waving my weapons in all directions. I laugh triumphantly and pat myself on the shoulder. “Brilliant Per, simply brilliant. The Minecraft.net hardcore title is as good as mine!”

After spending several hours staring into a dirt wall mumbling incoherently about the importance of protein, the moment finally comes. I leave my hideout, then charge right down the hill. Oh, if only Tom and Kelsey could see me now! 

Whether or not I’m hallucinating because of the six whole salmons I ate, I don’t know, but as I arrive at the outpost, I’m greeted by nine Pillagers with a grumpy “HRUMFPH”. It doesn’t matter. This is my moment to shine. The moment where I become the most hardcore player in Minecraft history. I smile, then let out one final battle cry.

“COME AT ME YOU NINCOMPOOPS! I’M REA…”

PER’S RESULT: BRUTALLY DEFEATED BY A RAIN OF ARROWS 
DAYS SURVIVED: FOUR.

CONCLUSION

Well, it was a magnificent effort from this trio of… let’s call them ‘heroes’. But with an incredible four whole days under his belt, it looks like Per Landin will be crowned as the most hardcore of them al...

Hang on a second. Doesn’t Thomas Wiborgh also write for Minecraft.net? Where was he during this challenge?

DAY 308 – THOMAS

THOMAS: Hi everyone! Been busy in hardcore mode, defeating the Ender Dragon for the fortieth time. What’ve you been up to? Oh, a hardcore challenge? Between you three? D’awwww, that’s adorable!

GRAND CHAMPION: THOMAS WIBORGH

Well, there we have it. If we learnt anything today, it’s that when it comes to hardcore mode, we should really leave this to the professionals.