Cozy Chambers

1. CREATE A BREATHTAKING ENTRANCE 

For any would-be interior designer, the trial chamber makes an excellent first impression. The atrium is covered in polished copper surfaces that scream industrial chic, and tastefully trailing foliage gives the space a welcome splash of color. 

The only thing that's missing? An array of wooden signs with folksy homespun messages on them, of course!

2. HANG MASTERPIECES ON THE WALL

Paintings aren't just a great way to show the world that you have sophisticated taste and impressively flat walls. They can also add visual interest to your home! 

Now, lots of people will tell you that "less is more" when it comes to hanging art, but those people are cowards. I personally like to hang 100 paintings in a small room, to fill each wall to the brim – and the result is an explosion of culture so intense that it would make an art critic weep. Presumably with joy.  

3. INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THE NEIGHBORS 

Once you've spruced up your interior a little, it's time to roll out the red carpet for your new neighbors! Whip out those calligraphy pens and compose a fancy invitation to your sophisticated soirée.

My neighbors were so eager to look around my stylish abode that they didn't actually wait for an invitation. They just walked right in! While that's a bit of an etiquette faux-pas (lots of fancy French right now, I know), I certainly appreciate their enthusiasm. What I didn't appreciate as much was when they fired a dozen arrows directly into my face, body, and limbs.  

5. BUILD AN IMPREGNABLE SAFE ROOM BECAUSE THE NEIGHBORS WON'T STOP COMING 

Now, no remodeling project is without its setbacks. Sometimes you might have difficulty sourcing the right materials, run into unexpected delays, or struggle to complete your dream home within the budget you've set for yourself. On other occasions (such as this one) you might find that all of your neighbors are determined to attack you over and over again.  

Despite my best efforts at building rapport, it seems that the entire neighborhood has it in for me. I'm hurt, partly because none of them RSVP-ed to my housewarming party and partly because I've been walloped for hours by marauding zombies, skeletons, and breezes. Eventually I flee into a small and secluded wing of the trial chamber and barricade myself inside. 

So there you have it: five foolproof tips to turn any trial chamber into a stylish and luxurious home. If anyone from an international interior design magazine is reading this, I'm available for interviews.

Also, please send help.