It seems that no matter how many clocks I alter, how many cosmetic creams I apply, or how many large hadrons colliders I purchase for my personal use, time continues to flow at roughly the same rate as usual. 

While there are downsides to this (the state of my joints, my bones, my appearance) it does mean that there's already another treasure trove of add-ons, mash-up packs, mini games, texture packs and more hitting Marketplace Pass! 

July's line-up has been independently verified as a "genuine doozy" by Luxembourg's prestigious International Doozy Monitoring and Awarding Organisation (and those IDMAO inspectors don't just hand out doozy certifications - they're incredibly rigorous), so you know that you're in for a treat. 

ADD-ONS

Yellowing wallpaper. Sickly fluorescent lighting. Ominous, childlike drawings on the walls. You might joke that I'm describing my horrible home office situation, but really the joke would be on you because my wallpaper is actually pale green. No, this is the acclaimed Backrooms add-on by XP Games, an agonisingly tense horror experience that transports you to the strange, labyrinthine space between your Minecraft worlds. Explore, gather loot, and - whatever you do - try not to be spotted.

They say that if you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. After spending some time with Block Hammers add-on 1.1 by Lifeboat, I've come to realise just how true that is. This tool-tastic add-on introduces 29 new craftable hammers and seven new clubs, many of which are capable of clearing blocks in an impressively hefty area of effect. The one downside is that I've come to see even my most treasured possessions as merely nails in need of a malleting. 

We all love the wandering trader. Maybe it's because they're an outsider who only turns up when and if it suits them - truly, they are my workplace role model. The Traders++ add-on by Dodo Studios gives you more of a good thing by adding a whopping 20 new wandering traders to your worlds, each decked out in a unique outfit and carrying a selection of distinctive weapons, abilities, custom armor, and more. Will they turn up right when you need them? Probably not. But will they have exactly what you need? Again, probably not. 

Next up, let's talk dye. Dyed blocks have long been a way to add a pop of color and personality to your builds, as well as being the perfect material to use for attention-grabbing signs that your philistine neighbours will complain are "vastly too big" and "blocking all the sunlight" and "full of mean and inaccurate statements about me". Dyed Blocks++ by DogHouse adds an astonishing 930 new blocks in 16 showstopping colors to your artistic palette, in a move that's sure to delight budding graphic designers everywhere. And their neighbours.

Let's end this round-up of add-ons by tackling a question that has troubled scientists, philosophers, and allergists for centuries. Which are better: cats or dogs? Whether you personally prefer to snuggle up with a faithful pooch or an aloof fuzzball that barely tolerates you, Cats and Dogs add-on By Street Studios offers 12 new canine companions and 12 new haughty feline couch-destroyers, as well as oodles of accessories for them to gleefully play with/passive-aggressively ignore. 

MASH-UP PACKS

If there's one thing I've learned from watching thousands of hours of interior design shows, it's that any home built before 1920 should be pitilessly torn down and rebuilt in gleaming steel and glass. Thanks to the new textures, blocks, and decorations in Modern Textures by Team Vaeron, I can finally build the kind of contemporary, chic dwelling I've always dreamed of, as well as explore a sprawling city packed with other modern homes to admire. 

MINI GAMES

Much like my own incredibly cramped bedroom, Modern Textures World by Imagiverse features more than 800 tasteful furniture items. These modish, craftable items enable design geniuses like me to live out their architectural dreams in a cityscape that's packed with inspiring prebuilt homes - each of which positively reeks of modernity.

But if you're more interested in a fight for survival than the comforts of home, Space Oneblock by Honeyfrost may be the mini game for you. You spawn in the cold, loveless vacuum of space and find yourself with only a oneblock for company. Break it and another block will take its place. Armed with these meager provisions, can you build a high-tech space base? Or will you become too attached to the oneblock and eventually give it a voice and start talking to it at considerable length? Yeah, me neither. Definitely didn't do that. Nuh-uh.

Real-life dungeons tend to be full of cobwebs and damp spots and people dressed in medieval outfits trying to tell you about history even though you keep theatrically yawning at them whenever they open their mouth to speak. Enter the Dungeon by King Cube is different, offering an intense and customisable challenge in a sprawling dungeon packed with tantalising secrets and fearsome mobs. Survive long enough and you'll have the chance to take on one of three dastardly bosses.

A well-placed question mark can make all the difference as to how a word or phrase is understood. I've added dozens of them to my will, for example. The question posed by How to Live in an Iron Golem? by The Craft Stars is whether it might be fun to pilot a big, beefy golem as it socks and wallops your enemies. The answer, as it turns out, is a big, beefy yes.

Now, before I tell you about our next mini game, allow me to tell you about my friends. They're awful. They're mean, they're untrustworthy, and they're desperate to get their hands on everything I own. So I was relieved to discover Safest Treehouse! by Dodo Studios, since it lets me hoard my possessions in a beautiful treetop fortress that's protected by lasers, cameras, and lava. Finally, some peace of mind.

Then, while my wretched friends try to infiltrate my high-security treehouse, I can kick back in my sprawling main residence thanks to Pro Mansion by Dodo Studios. This gorgeous multistorey home boasts automatic farms, a luxurious outdoor swimming pool, and high-end sports facilities. Worried your dirtbag friends will turn up and ruin everything? Just hide out in the mansion's secret vault until they leave. That's what I always do.

SKIN PACKS

No matter which fruit is your favourite, Fruitcore by Yeggs probably has a themed outfit based on it. Even if you - for some bizarre, inscrutable reason - were to claim that pumpkins were your favourite fruit. 

If you prefer to theme your outfits around shiny and completely inedible objects, Crystal Core by CubeCraft Games offers a host of looks themed around precious gems. These are perfect for those occasions when you need a little glamor and sparkle (such as when you're trying to impress the judge on the first day of your big diamond heist trial). 

Next up, a skin pack that takes me back to a simpler time when the internet was in its infancy, music came on cassette tapes, and televisions were cube-shaped and weighed as much as a dying sun. TV Heads HD Skin Pack by CupcakeBrianna achieves this by offering 11 skins that each answer the question: what would I look like with a TV on my head?

Finally, Ice Cream Teens by Blue Depth Games wins the prestigious prize for 'most summery skin pack on Marketplace Pass this month', since it features seven skins all inspired by tasty, melty dessert items. What's that? You think I made up that prize I mentioned? Nothing could be further from the truth. Look, I have reams of documentation to prove it. Just give me a few days to get the papers out of storage. Please.

TEXTURE PACKS

It's easy to make things too complicated sometimes - you could argue I made this mistake when I developed and launched an expensive range of extra-hot soldering irons for babies. The Simple Scapes Texture Pack by Giggle Block Studios is all about appreciating clean and simple design. Too bad those babies couldn't appreciate my engineering talent. 

If there's one thing we could all use a little more of, it's calm. So take a deep, meditative breath as you fire up Tranquility - Calm Textures by Pathway Studios. This soothing pack of serene textures drapes your Minecraft world in lovely, comforting colours. Let me tell you, it really takes the edge off the catastrophic surge of adrenaline I feel every time a hissing spider leaps directly into my face.

And now, if you'd please doff your hat and dip into your lowest, most respectful curtsey, I can introduce Royal Delight - Soft Textures by Pathway Studios. This regal pack features reimagined blocks and revamped armor that add a dash of majestic color to your worlds. Here's a tip: if you want to really immerse yourself in the theme, you could try firing up this texture pack while holding a massive, diamond-studded sceptre.

And then there's the Organic Toon Texture Pack by Giggle Block Studios. With more than 2000 textures and blocks on offer, this pack promises more cartoon vibes than a set of roller skates with a mail-order rocket crudely strapped to the back of them. 

CHARACTER CREATOR ITEMS

Choo choo! You didn't notice, but this winding journey through July's Marketplace Pass offerings was a railway ride and I was the conductor all along. I even wore the outfit. I can't believe you didn't even comment on that. What a waste. 

Anyhow, this themed set of Character Creator items is our very last stop. All aboard!

• Backrooms Hoodie by Cubical
• Backrooms Pants by Cubical
• Backrooms Mask by Builders Horizon
• Backrooms Gloves by TNTgames
• Void Wings by Ambient Creations
• Shadow Shoes by 2-Tail Productions

So there you have it – another month of Marketplace Pass goodies that was almost too long to list without this writer risking a serious injury. Some people are already saying it was brave of me to take this task on. They're throwing around terms like "inspiration" and "hero". Whether you choose to join them in this is ultimately up to you. 

But I simply can't lay down my burdens and rest until I tell you that signing up to Marketplace Pass gets you access to this vast list of add-ons, textures, skins, and mini games. Or you might choose to subscribe to Realms Plus to get all that in addition to an always-online server for you and up to 10 pals to use at your leisure. 

We'll be back next month for another trainload of Marketplace goodies, so be sure to hop on board then as we hurtle down the tracks towards Fun Times Station once again. I probably won't dress up for that instalment, to be totally honest with you. The people at the costume hire place have started saying things like "woah, you're back again already?" and "are you sure you can afford this?" whenever I go in.