Drink Up?

There’s all sorts of helpful potions in Minecraft. Potions that can heal your wounds, increase your strength and make you move even faster than me devouring a free buffet. But today, we’re not talking about useful potions. Instead we’re sipping, sampling and trying-not-to-spit-out-in-digsust-ing the weirdest potions Minecraft has to offer.

To test them all, I poured these weird and wonderful brews in the Mojang water supply. Now the Java team won’t stop quacking. But Jens has told me not to worry, because that’s apparently just how the Java team always communicates.

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…anyway, let’s take a closer look at these most unusual potions!

POTION OF THE TURTLE MASTER

If it’s taken you sixteen hours to get to this sentence of the article, then the bad news is that you’re a little slow. Which means you should probably avoid this potion. It’ll grant you Resistance III, which makes you more resistant to damage and tough as a feather! A feather that’s inside a TANK.

However, it only takes one sluggish sip of this potion to be struck with Slowness IV. So you’ll be tough as a turtle, but your movement will be even slower than I am after devouring that buffet mentioned in paragraph one. *Burps and falls face-first to the ground, where he belongs*

HOW WEIRD IS IT?

A little odd, but we can think of weirder ways of showing how much you love turtles! Like, for completely hypothetical example, painting your whole body green and crawling around the Mojang office on all fours, until concerned people say “Tom, what are you doing?”. Hypothetically.

POTION OF HARMING

Orange juice? No thanks! Lemonade? Too sweet for me! A potion that immediately wipes six hearts off your health? Now you’re talking! I mean… what?

I just don’t get it. “Who on Earth would deliberately drink something that would hurt them?” I’ve been shouting in the streets, over and over, until several hungover people begged me to stop.

Seriously, I’ve been trying to think of any good reasons to brew a Potion of Harming (apparently I can throw them at hostile mobs, but that makes my arm tired, so that doesn’t count), and this is all I could come up with:

• You think Minecraft is too easy, so you want to play it on one heart of health and in an actual mine. Full of actual Creepers. True Hardcore mode at last.

• You’re trying to impress the ‘cool kids’ on your server. Don’t do it! Succumbing to peer pressure to impress people is something only desperate losers do (btw, do you think the cool kids like my articles? Boy, I hope so!)

• You watched a YouTube video called 678 WAYS TO GET RICH PLAYING MINECRAFT!!?? where ‘your boy’, Enderbro99, told you that if you drink a thousand Potions of Harming, your avatar will start puking cryptocurrency. But that’s not true! I tried it, and didn’t get any : (

HOW WEIRD IS IT?

Like so weird. It’d be less weird if I walked in on you drinking sand. Also, don’t drink sand.

POTION OF WEAKNESS

I hate being strong. I’m tired of everyone near me swooning every time I flex one of my mighty biceps, or laughing and saying “as if” when they read this sentence over my shoulder.

It’s not easy being me, a man about a billion times stronger than Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson (he’s no match for Tom ‘The Stone’ Stone). But thankfully I can lead a normal life at last, thanks to the Potion of Weakness. Drink one of these and even someone as mighty as me will transform into a kitten-weak writerly type who can barely open a door without fainting. Hooray!

HOW WEIRD IS IT?

Not weird at all! In fact, I’d be drinking one right now, if I were strong enough to get the bottle open :(

INVISIBILITY POTION

The Overworld can be a pretty scary place at night. Luckily, I have the perfect solution. GO TO BED.

Or… well, I suppose you could brew a potion that gives you night vision, just like a racoon or a cuttlefish, or the total cutie that is the tarsier: