Is Minecraft romantic enough?
A hard-hitting Minecraft.net investigation
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAAAAAAY!!! WATCH YOUR SKIN BECAUSE I’M PLANNING ON KISSING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU
Too much? Nonsense, that’s a perfectly appropriate intro for an article on the most romantic day of the year! But is Minecraft worthy of St Valentine and his swoontacular day? Would Cupid happily play Minecraft, giggling away as he shoots his arrows at lovesick Zombie Pigmen? Or would he take one look at the loveless Overworld and then dig straight down in disgust?
I had to find out, and so began an eighteen month investigation to answer the ultimate question, is Minecraft romantic enough?
EXHIBIT A: LOVELY ANIMALS FALL IN LOVE
The world of Minecraft is adorable! It’s overflowing with cute sheep, cute pigs, cute bunnies and terrifying sky beasts that prey on innocent insomniacs, swooping down to feast upon them like a sentient nightmare. But for the purposes of this investigation, let’s focus on the cute mobs.
The way to an animal’s heart is through their stomach. All you have to do is feed some of these mobs and they’ll enter love mode. Awwwww! It doesn’t get much more romantic than that!
This poor pig will scamper around the Overworld, lovesick and alone, for its heart does pine for another swine. You’ll need to feed another mob of the same species, and once they’re both in love mode, let the smooching commence!
Keep in mind, mobs won’t enter love mode on an empty stomach, which is completely understandable. After all, I’ve never met anyone I love in this world more than I love lunch, and I am perfectly fine with that.
Not long after this, a baby mob will spawn in the Overworld. Welcome to existence, baby pig!
Villagers can also enter love mode, though unlike with other mobs, this is a bit more complicated than just feeding them a couple of carrots and spawning them at an Ed Sheeran concert. Have a read of this page of the Minecraft Wiki (the one true love of any Minecraft.net writer on a tight deadline) if you fancy playing villager matchmaker.
Trust me, the results are well worth it:
So that’s love mode. Surely any videogame which has a mode like that is romantic enough. Right?
VERDICT: 7 HEARTS OUT OF 10
MINUS THREE FOR THE SLIGHTLY CYNICAL ‘OF COURSE I LOVE YOU, AS LONG AS YOU BRING ME DINNER’ MESSAGE
EXHIBIT B: THE HEARTY HEALTH BAR
The human heart is a wet, gooey organ that pumps blood through your body. It’s one of the grossest things in the world. It’s also the thing we associate with love more than anything else in the world. Sure! Why not?
So it’s a promising romantic development that one of the first things you see when you start a new game in Minecraft is ten hearts in a row. Just think about how much blood that could pump! I mean, just think how romantic that is!
Well, that settles it. Any game where you constantly see ten hearts on the screen isn’t just romantic enough. It’s inarguably the most romantic videogame of all time, including every videogame made in the future.
Wouldn’t you agree, Mr Skeleton Archer?
Goodness me! I somehow forgot that whenever you take damage in Minecraft, you lose hearts. Turns out love can be heartbreaking. Why didn’t anyone tell me?
I know, I’ll just ask this witch to brew me up a love potion! Man, am I smart when it comes to love. As soon as I finish writing this, I’m getting my name legally changed to ‘Cupid’.
Oh dear. Having your heart broken and destroyed right in front of you… That’s not very romantic, is it?
VERDICT: ONE HEART OUT OF TEN
ABOUT AS ROMANTIC AS GOING ON A DATE TO A GRAVEYARD. DURING A FUNERAL.
EXHIBIT C: THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF A RELATIONSHIP
My investigation had hit its lowest point. Was Minecraft really not the perfect Valentine’s game I’d always believed it to be? With nowhere else to turn, I messaged Minecraft Java developer, Cory Scheviak:
Cory told me about a recent question he’d asked his followers on his Twitter – How has Minecraft impacted your life in a positive way? What a great question! It’s a bit like my question ‘Is Minecraft romantic enough?’ except more eloquent, and much less stupid.
You can find Cory’s tweet by clicking here and I highly recommend you read through some of the genuinely heartwarming replies. If you manage to read all of them without feeling somewhat emotional, then oh, cool, I didn’t know Minecraft.net was being read by a ROBOT.
Are you planning on proposing in our block-based game? Here’s a handy screenshot of something I made to help, along with a couple of great tips:
VERDICT: A MILLION HEARTS OUT OF TEN
PRETTY ROMANTIC FOR A GAME WITH AN ENEMY CALLED ‘THE CREEPER’ IN IT.
Put your hearts at ease, Minecraft is romantic enough and a fine choice of Valentine’s Day gaming.
But could it be... even more romantic? What if we got rid of all the building, exploring and survival stuff – the least romantic parts – and replaced it with dating! What do you say, Jens? Is 2019 the year where we reboot Minecraft into a fantastic new dating sim?
No. JENS BERGENSTEN, LEAD MINECRAFT DEVELOPER
Yikes. Looks like somebody didn’t get a Valentine’s card this year…
- Tom Stone