A farmer’s life for me

And what a farm! I can't help but notice that my cow pen is easily three times the size of the villagers' meagre paddock. Unfortunately, a pen full of cows (even a luxuriously spacious pen full of cows) may not be enough for me to live out my dream of tranquil rural solitude. I'm going to need a replenishable source of wheat and other crops too. 

I dig a trench near my cow-pen (which I'm now referring to as Cowtopia Deluxe on account of its lavish spaciousness), fill it with water, and hoe the surrounding soil. Within minutes I have the land planted up and I'm one step closer to my dream of complete self-reliance. Right, time for more theft.

This time, I return from the village with another two handsome cows. Further excursions net me four sheep and a pair of pigs, but when it comes to other animals my heart just isn't in it in the same way. I lead them to a smaller, more secluded pen and start planning more upgrades to the main plaza of Cowtopia Deluxe.

Once my herd's population has really started to skyrocket, I decide that it's time to claim the leathery fruits of my labor. I equip a sword, walk into the pen, and begin to 'process' the mobs. Don’t judge me, life in Minecraft is a vicious but just cycle! Soon, my inventory is packed with steaming beeves.

Fun fact 1: the plural of beef is beeves. 

Fun fact 2: I feel really bad about all the cows I've just processed. 

I resolve that there simply has to be a better way, and turn to the Marketplace in search of an add-on that can help. I fire up the promisingly named FARMING by Podcrash and quickly discover a host of new farmyard friends, including bison, deer, geese, and yak. I add two new pens to my farmstead and fill them with quail and peacocks, two of nature's goofiest animals. 

When it becomes clear that not even the adorable cheeping of the quails or the demonic squawking of the peacocks can soothe my beef-guilt, I realize I'm going to have to just commit wholeheartedly to crops. 

Thankfully, FARMING offers a smorgasbord of botanical options too, so I plant up fields full of blueberry bushes, cauliflower, ginger, and oats. I sow some kohlrabi seeds too, even though kohlrabi is nature's lumpy mistake. Lastly, I add some scarecrows to watch over my bountiful fields. Yes, they look incredibly spooky, but they'll keep the greedy crows from gobbling my freshly sown seeds.

By this point a renewed breeding program has seen my cow herd restored to somewhere close to its previous level, and I've buried my ill-gotten beeves as part of a sombre memorial ceremony honoring the earliest residents of Cowtopia Deluxe. 

While making my way to bed that evening, I wonder whether I've completed my goal of embracing life on the farm. As I reflect on that question, I hear the lowing of my cows. They sound relaxed and happy, and I realize that I am too. I steal another handful of potatoes from the villagers' plot (old habits die hard) and breathe a contented sigh. Another good day's work.