Nightmares in the Nether

Remember when you were a kid and you’d play “the floor is lava,” and everyone would jump around and scream? Yeah, the Nether is exactly like that except the lava is real and everywhere. Great. I’m not freaked out at all. I’ll be over here quietly weeping while building the slowest dirt bridge of all time and sneaking around so that I don’t fall off into a lava pit. Don’t look down, don’t look down… 

CUTE, BUT VERY ANGRY

When I first saw the Piglins and Hoglins, I was kind of in love. How could something with such cute little ears hurt me? Quite easily, actually. It feels like they just really want to attack me, despite what many people call my “charmingly abrasive personality.” I’ve heard that at least the Piglins like gold, and you can use it to somehow get on their good side (or at least their less bad side), but do I look like I am made of emeralds? I’ve had this same iron armor since 2017, and I’m not going to change now just so the Piglins will like me. That’s called self-respect. Now excuse me as I cover myself in mud and crawl on my belly so those Piglins over there don’t see me. 

NOT THE BRIGHTEST TOOL IN THE SHED 

It’s the classic nightmare: you’re surrounded by angry Piglins, and all you have to defend yourself is a stone hoe. Resources are hard to come by in the Nether, and you don’t want to be racing for the nearest portal because all of your tools are broken. That’s why I always pack exactly eight diamond swords when I go to the Nether. The first one for wildly slashing at anything that comes near me. The second for when that first one inevitably breaks. And the next six are just for me to feel better about running from anything remotely threatening because I totally could beat them up, I am just choosing not to. It’s called taking the high road. 

JUST DON’T CALL IT A CRY BABY

Ghasts, ugh. I’m sorry, did I need to say more about Ghasts? Whoever thought that designing a giant, floating monster that launches fireballs all while sounding like a demonic baby was a good idea, I want to talk. Seriously, do I need to say more? 

So, are you happy now? I didn’t risk my life to bring you this article or anything, but it was definitely pretty scary! I know most of you are braver than I am and excited to take on the challenge of exploring the new and updated Nether, and to you I say “can I hide behind you as we go through the portal”?