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Kelsey Howard
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2019/06/22

Which Villager Wore it Best?

A hard-hitting Minecraft.net investigation

Confession: I have a weird obsession with the Villagers. I watch their lives, steal from their bedside chests, and sometimes even sleep in their beds like an ungrateful Goldilocks.

So I was more delighted than anyone else alive when the recent Village & Pillage update introduced new trades for the villagers. With new trades, came a whole wardrobe of new villager looks! But were they any good? I owed it to my beloved “hrrm”-ing friends to find out. So I decided to rank their outfits, as superficially and ill-informed as possible. Buckle up, because I have OPINIONS!

DESERT TOOLSMITH

Simple, straightforward, and tailor-made for sunny weather. What more could a Villager ask for? Other than a ridiculous amount of emeralds for their seemingly endless supply of bread. Seriously, Minecraft players… why buy the bread when you can steal it for free? I especially love that the green shoulders make this villager’s green eyes really pop. Way to play to your natural strengths, Desert Villager! I respect that. A fringe hat seems like a daring choice, but in the desert it’s functional – can’t just hop over to the nearest pharmacy and pick up some sunscreen, you know?

3 OUT OF 5 EMERALDS

No need to stab cacti into your eyes when this fashionista is in proximity.

JUNGLE FISHERMAN

You know the old saying: teach a Villager to fish and he’ll take your hard earned emeralds for raw salmon. And with this stylish hat, the fisherman Villager could probably con me out of the comfortable lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed. But just because someone has a great hat doesn’t mean you should let them take you to dinner and leave you with the bill because they’ve taken the emergency exit out of the bar in order to avoid talking to you about your miniature ceramic piglet collection. And that, ladies and gents, is a valuable life lesson, free of charge, from me to you.

4 EMERALDS OUT OF 5

Pretty high score for an outfit that presumably reeks of fish.

PLAINS WEAPONSMITH

The eyepatch is the true wildcard of fashion. Rocked by pirates, cartoon villains, and my grandmother after her eye surgery, the eyepatch is a bold way to add a little mystery to your outfit. Is this plains weaponsmith Villager hiding a robotic eye behind the eyepatch? A small snack they are saving for later? I don’t know and I love it! The Anti-Eyepatches For Fashion League may say that you should give your undivided attention to dangerous tasks, but the weaponsmith “hrrm”s with scorn in your general direction.

3 OUT OF 5 EMERALDS

Or maybe should we rate this one out of enchanted axes, because this buddy is ENCHANTING.

SNOWY CLERIC

I feel like this Villager and I could be best friends, just like I believe that I am best friends with the barista near my apartment. Not just because I pay both of them to make me sweet, sweet life-saving brews, but because they seem so darn trustworthy! I think a lot of what defines trust comes from that cosy and reassuring hat. That’s all it takes! Anytime I see a cool hat in the wild, I’m following them like a newly imprinted baby duck. I’m currently begging the merch team at Mojang to make me a hat just like this Villager’s. They keep saying things like ‘please get away from my desk’ and ‘your mother was right, you do have an irregular head shape’. A promising start.

4 OUT OF 5 EMERALDS

I can see why they’re called the SNOWY cleric, because their outfit is very COOL!

WANDERING TRADER

The key to being a fashion trendsetter is not just undeniable style, but also incredible confidence. And what says confidence like walking into any room with two decked out llamas by your side? Like the mean girls at my middle school lunch table, the Wandering Trader never travels alone. They travel with a trendy posse and I give up my emeralds for a slime ball just to get their approval. The powerful cape, the masterful accessories, and finally… all the emeralds a Villager could want. The Wandering Trader is truly the trendiest of them all. Now hopefully they’ll give me a discount, since I wrote this whole article just for them to notice me.   

5 OUT OF 5 EMERALDS

Or TWO OUT OF TWO of the cutest llamas I’ve ever seen.

I would ask for your opinions on the fashions of Minecraft, but fashion isn’t a democracy, darling. And just as suddenly as the Wandering Trader shows up and blocks the door of your house, trends change and this whole article is outdated. That’s called job security!

Still, if you really want to tell us which villager you think is the most fashionable and why, I suppose you could email scoops@minecraft.net with the subject line MY PRETTY OPINION and let us know. If you must.

(Please do!)

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