What's it like to be a Minecraft mob?

I’ve always had a love for learning, ever since I ate the brain of that professor. Why wasn’t I born a librarian! Oh wait, I was. Sadly, the only book I never got around to reading was How To Avoid Zombie Bites (not enough pictures for my tastes). 

Speaking of tastes, I’ve just spotted a player! I should go over and politely introduce myself the only way I know how; arms outstretched, bit of introductory groaning, and a few chomps of their flesh (that’s how you know I like you!). Hope they’re a smart player. I ate a British writer recently and all I could think about for days afterwards was stupid ideas for Minecraft.net articles. :(

ENDERMAN

I’ve been planning this heist for years. Stalking a Minecraft player and staking out their pumpkin patch. You have to sleep sometime, player, unless you want the phantoms to get you. Soon as they do, I’ll teleport in and nab one of their pumpkin blocks. Mwuhahaha! Sometimes I’m just too brilliant, like that Brit who writes for Minecraft.net.

But I’ll have to delay the heist until tomorrow, because it’s raining today. Like all terrifying entities, I’m very scared of water. What? It is not a ridiculous fear! Omg don’t be so mean – you’ll make me cry and then my face will be covered in terrifying tears.

The weather cleared up and I celebrated by teleporting into the players pumpkin patch. I hit the jackpot! A pumpkin with arms and legs. Legs that are currently running away from me. Hey!

I gave chase. Some of my ‘friends’ told me “that’s clearly not a pumpkin. It’s a Minecraft player wearing a pumpkin, you lanky fool”. Pfft, I think I know a pumpkin when I see one, buddy. And this walking, talking pumpkin is as pumpkiny as it gets. Now hop into the pie, pumpkin! Put down that sword, pumpkin! Ow, my lovely face, pumpkin! Awww, what did I ever do to you?

CREEPER

Woke up today in a GREAT mood! Sadly, no one told my face. Seems no matter how hard I try, I’m always going to be the most miserable looking mob in Minecraft. “It’sSssSSs not FAIR!” I yell, starting to flash different colours.

I take a deep breath and calm down. I’m working on my temper. 

“How’s it going?” you ask. 

“What’s THAT supposed to mean?!” I reply. 

Sorry – still working on the temper part. Baby steps. Hey, you try taking bigger steps when you have ‘legs’ like mine. Maybe I’ll go take another yoga cla- hey, a player! Well it’d be rude not to rush over for a hug! Yoo-hoo! Hey! I’m talking to you! DON’T YOU DARE RUN FROM ME

PIG

A snob? Moi? Poppycock! You only make such baseless accusations because I, Lord Oinkington, the proudest pig in the Overworld, possess a snout for the finer things in life. I’ll have you know I graduated top of my culinary class at Oxford Swineiversity, but that does not make me some out of touch, bright pink elitist, like that Brit who writes for Minecraft.net. What? You claim to have seen me eat a carrot off the ground? The nerve! This interview is over, good day to you.

MOOBLOOM

“Mother,” I used to say. “Am I different from the other Minecraft cows?”

“Yes, you’re a rare mob. Now be quiet and eat your grass,” she’d reply.

So I did, because grass is delicious! I only agreed to be in Minecraft Earth if they paid me with a pile of grass, instead of the millions of dollars they originally offered me. Hmmm. Maybe I should have thought that one through a little more.

I admired my reflection in a nearby lake. I am different from the other cows, aren’t I? Yellow as the sun, but far less respected. Flowers growing out of my back and even one out of my head. Is that healthy? A sign I think about flowers too much? Distraught, I visited a hairdresser to see if anything could be done.

“Girl, you’re owning that look – I love it!” the hairdresser enthused, delicately massaging fertiliser into my skull. “Don’t you ever undersell yourself.”

So I didn’t. I ate more grass instead. Yum! Thanks for the great advice, kindly hairdresser!

REDSTONE MONSTROSITY

Finally, after weeks of nothing, I got a call from my agent.

“Did you get me that part in Minecraft?” I asked excitedly.

“Even better, R.M!” my agent bragged. “I got you a villain role in Minecraft Dungeons!”

“The spin-off?” I asked. “I told you I wanted to be in the main game. You said you’d be able to get Steve replaced with me.”

“Er… I’m going into a mineshaft. You’re breaking up. Toodles!” He hung up.

The villain? Me? Just because my surname is ‘monstrosity’ doesn’t mean I can’t be heroic. I once saw an old lady struggling to cross the road, so I grabbed her and threw her across it. And all those players who venture into my dungeon and are never seen again? All just a hilarious misunderstanding! If anything I’m too nice, like that Brit who writes for Minecraft.net.

But when life gives you an opportunity, you should grab it with both hands. Therefore, when life gives you the opportunity to attack foolish players who dare venture into your dungeon, you should punch that opportunity with both your redstone fists. #inspiring #minecraftdungeonsisoutnow #tellyourfriends #pleasefortheloveofgodtellyourfriends