Search for the Arch-Illager, Part 2

Hmmm. Something didn’t feel right, specifically in my tummy. Maybe I should have examined that sandwich before I ate it. But I did know one thing– I needed to take a meeting in the water closet. 

Forty-seven minutes later, I returned to my post only to find that someone had been there. I could tell because my chair had been moved slightly and there was a big box on the table. After another thorough investigation, I opened it and peered inside to find… nothing. As I was leaning in to get a better look, someone pushed me straight into the box! Falling as gracefully as possible, I caught a glimpse of a beautifully bushy brow as the lid was sealed. 

As I sat in my box, I felt surprisingly calm. Obviously the Arch-Illager, my destined partner in both life and crime, was taking me away on a romantic getaway! Traveling by box is the most loving transportation after horseback riding on the beach, after all. The jostling movements were quite soothing and finally lulled me into a deep sleep.

When I woke up my box was no longer moving and the lid had been opened. I crawled out of it and found myself in an office that I didn’t recognize. It was much less… magnificent than what I had imagined the Arch-Illager would have chosen for himself. No worries, I thought to myself, we’ll get the decorators in first thing in the morning. I pictured an enormous mural of the two of us, Sistine Chapel style. 

”Ahem.” Someone cleared their throat behind me. I turned around, my arms open and ready to embrace my darling Arch-Illager. But it wasn’t him. 

”David Nisshagen, Executive Producer for Minecraft Dungeons?” I asked, surprised and absolutely livid. ”What’s going on?” 

”You did this to yourself. We asked you, repeatedly, to stop. Leave the Arch-Illager alone, you can get to know him along with everyone else when Dungeons launches.” David said, as he started to back out of the room. ”I had to get you away from the main office, you’re incredibly disruptive and we’re on a deadline.

David had almost made it out when I reacted, quick as an old cat. I dove for the door and managed to wedge my foot in the doorjamb. David tried to shut it but he was no match for my totally-not-fake Capoeira moves. My other foot kicked the door open, knocking him back. I ran out and found myself in… the lobby? How did I get back here? I turned around and saw the sign over the now-broken door. 

Human Resources 

Oh, of course. That’s why I didn't recognize it, I haven’t been to any of the optional meetings that are held in there. 

”Sorry David, but I have a date with destiny,” I whispered, as I pushed him into the room and barricaded it shut with an enormous, distasteful fern.  

I ran out of the building and into the night. I paused to catch my breath. As I leaned against the wall, daintily dry-heaving, I saw something in the distance. A pink shimmer of light and the silhouette of a stove-top crown. Wait a minute. It couldn’t be… it was! Archie! He had come for me, like I knew he would! 

”My love! I’m here! Take me with you!" I cried out. 

”Hehehe,” his sweet voice floated through the air. 

”Please! Don’t go!” I started to run towards him. 

”Hrrrm. Hrrrm!” 

Those were the last words he spoke to me, before he spawned an army of Illagers and disappeared from view. Some loves are too complex for this world. Kind of like a dungeon, if you think about it. 

There you have it. Case closed. I found out everything I needed to know about the Arch-Illager. A complicated, deep, and influential ruler. Sure, some may consider his actions to be on the extreme side. Maybe even downright evil. But not me. I’m Team Arch-Illager, all the way. What about you, are you ready to challenge the golden apple of my eye?