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2019/04/01

MINECRAFT 3D REDISCOVERED

25 years later, a masterpiece returns

The basement. A confined, damp space where you abandon all your old belongings to rot for all eternity… or perhaps, a potential gold mine? Yesterday’s trash could actually turn out to be well-aged cheese – a fortune that’s just waiting to be rediscovered. Who knows what you might’ve forgotten down there? Old board games, your favourite childhood toy, perhaps even those grandparents that you haven’t seen in years.

When Mojang recently moved offices, we decided to visit our c̶a̶t̶a̶c̶o̶m̶b̶s̶ basement and do a thorough inventory of our old garbage. As we descended into the deepest, darkest corners, we stumbled upon something shocking amongst all the rubble. Something long forgotten. It was Kevin, our old intern we thought had left in 2013 for greater adventures!

But forget Kevin, again, for we found something far more important down there. We couldn’t believe our eyes. A boxed copy of the award-winning Minecraft 3D!

Released on April 1st, 1994, Minecraft 3D was a masterpiece of i̶t̶s̶ all time. A slice of state of the art shareware featuring cutting-edge technology that won everything from GOTY to the Oscar for best supporting actress. But despite universal praise, only a handful of copies were made. In fact, it’s so rare, we can’t even recall ever releasing it. Or developing it. But who cares? It’s back, and its return is bound to change everything!

“With the resurgence of Minecraft 3D, we've realized that we use way too many pixels for our graphics,” says Bartosz Bok, developer on the Java Edition. “Our community frequently voices their valid and constructive feedback about game performance. So in future releases, we’re planning to use exactly as many resources as this game looks like it needs. No more, no less. Well, maybe much less.”

MINECRAFT 3D HIGHLIGHTS

  • Zen-like gameplay, focusing on an absolute state of nothingness. No objectives, no story, no meaning, no fun. Nothing to stress you out!

  • Multi-layered palette with over 10 colours for that realistic feel

  • Beautifully 2D-rendered models, featuring progenitor mobs, such as sheep™ and cow™

  • Completely written in Turbo Pascal

  • Burning barrels! Such wow!

With this amazing find, the future is finally looking bright for Minecraft. From now on, Mojang will take inspiration solely from 25-year-old games, rather than come up with any new or unique ideas.

“Programmers of previous epochs have already figured out everything,” explains Bartosz Bok. “This can easily be proven by observing that only old games are good, and nothing worthwhile has been released in the last decade. We are no longer going to muck our code with all those unwanted spatial dimensions.”

HOW CAN I PURCHASE THE DIGITAL WONDER THAT IS MINECRAFT 3D?

Dearest reader, to withhold art in its purest form would be nothing short of a betrayal of mankind. For this reason, we have decided to release the full experience to the public, so that all seven billion members of humanity can simultaneously celebrate this joyous occasion.

That’s why we’ve decided to replace our current Java snapshot with Minecraft 3D. To install Minecraft 3D, open up the Minecraft Java Edition Launcher and enable snapshots in the "Launch Options" tab.

Rejoice! No need to play future updates ever again, when you can simply endlessly relive the glorious days of the past! No longer will we look to the future for answers! We will fully embrace the nineties, become one with the late twentieth century, and seal ourselves in the mollycoddling safety of our comfort zones forever. For today, my friends, we are all Minecraft 3D. Yes, Kevin. Even you.

Enjoy!

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