How to express your love in Minecraft
It's never as easy as saying 'I love you'!
I LOVE YOU! Oh, sorry, not you. Wait! I didn't mean it like that. I love you, of course, mwah. But that wasn't meant for you. I've been practising how to express my love as I'm so bad at it and, y'know, it's Valentine's Day.
It's hard when the only thing you truly love is Minecraft… hold on, THAT'S IT! I'll express my love through Minecraft. And to think there are people who don't think Minecraft is romantic at all. Of course it is! In fact, let's change the name of Minecraft to LOVECRAFT!
Huh, what's that? We can't call it Lovecraft because some guy invented a bunch of horrifying cosmic beasts that have made everyone has been scared of monsters? Those poor misunderstood terrors! This gives me an idea...
But first, ahem… introducing: HOW TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE IN MINECRAFT!
GIVE A RED ROSE
We all know Creepers. They're green, they hiss, and tend to blow up a lot. But what I propose is that Creepers aren't out to hurt you. Maybe these poor creatures are just trying to whisper 'I love you' in your ear. Ever thought of that?
Perhaps they get too nervous and it's that which causes them to explode when nearing you. In which case, I want to say sorry on behalf of everyone to all the Creepers out there, and tell them that they are loved. What better way to do that than giving them a romantic red rose? This won't backfire at all.
COOK A HEARTY MEAL
Alright, maybe I was a bit ambitious with the whole flirting with a Creeper thing. But how about skeletons? Now there's a monster that truly needs some tender love and care. Just look at all those bones! They desperately need feeding and that's where I come in.
They say a way to a person's heart is through their stomach. Though, looking at it, you could probably just reach in through the gaps of a skeleton's ribcage and give its heart a little stroke. A bit too intrusive? Definitely.
Back to the point: how about showing your crush how you feel by cooking them a tasty meal? Rabbit stew, pumpkin pie, or a cake would go down a treat. The skeleton I invited out is going to LOVE it.
So I misjudged. Shoot me. Oh wait, the skeleton already has. How was I supposed to know that skeletons find it insulting if you offer them food? Apparently it reminds them too much of the life they had before. Y'know, when they had stomachs.
WATCH THE SUN RISE
Alright, I'll admit it, I've been a complete fool so far. But I still have a lot of love to give! You know who also probably has a lot of love to dish out? Zombies. They're everywhere these days but are still criminally underloved. But how do you get your affections across to a zombie?
They certainly don't need food, what with all the snacking they do on human flesh and brains, the cheeky tykes. And that creeper blew up my rose bushes so forget about giving another flower. What else is there? Ah, I've got it. Watching the sunrise together. So romantic…
GO ON A BOAT RIDE
Well, that was certainly a hot date. Yes, the zombie caught fire, I should have known. Fortunately, it also set me alight, which doesn't sound good at first, but it forced me to dive into the nearest lake and which is where I came up with another idea.
What can possibly go wrong with a romantic boat ride? It's slow, calming, and you can talk intimately with your lover without anyone listening in. Don't you agree, my darling villager?
Ah, yes, I love listening to you speak.
Such dulcet, velvety tones. You know I love you too, right? Darling…? My love? VILLAGER?!
MAKE A TREASURE HUNT
That encounter with an elder guardian has made me want to keep any future dates under my complete control. No more going out on lakes, into jungles, and certainly not into any caves. Which is why I came up with the idea of sending my next Valentine on a treasure hunt.
Yes, it's a hedge maze that I built and then scattered with flowers for my Enderman to pick up along the way. They definitely can't run into any trouble now.
And what does it find at the end? ME! I'm standing inside a heart offering a bouquet to my Enderman. Isn't love just so sweet? All that's left is for me to look deep into the Enderman's eyes and… uh oh!
BUILD SOMETHING TOGETHER
Ah yes, rule number one of hanging out with an Enderman, don't look into its eyes. Everything was going so right until that moment. Ugh. You know what? Maybe monsters aren't misunderstood after all. I'm just going to stick to expressing my love to other people. Much easier.
This Valentine's Day, I'll be hanging out with friends, maybe even one I love, and building something cool with them. That seems to be the safest way to express love in Minecraft. I suppose you could also type 'I love you' into the chat, but that's scarier than courting a monster, I reckon.
- Scritto da
- Chris Priestman