Minecraft Dungeons: 9 essential artifacts

What’s better than firing a deadly laser beam at a bunch of hostile mobs? Firing a bright purple deadly laser beam, of course! This light is so pretty that I’m often tempted to shine it into my own eyes, but I know that’s a stupid idea, which is why I’ve only done it sixteen times since starting this sentence. And fifty-eight times during this one, even though this sentence is shorter. Weird huh? 

PROS: Covers a large area. Aforementioned prettiness.

CONS: Name sounds distractingly like "bacon" and I’m writing this before lunchtime.

Death Cap Mushroom

My mother always warned me not to eat things with "death" in the name. Then again, Mother also used to feed us nothing but caps, so I really shouldn’t be taking culinary advice from her. Anyway, this mushroom won’t end your life, but it’ll certainly help you take down the lives of hostile mobs. It dramatically increases both your attack and your speed, so make sure you leave "much room" in your inventory for this artifact. HA!

PROS: Two great buffs for the price of one! The word "mushroom" is never not fun to say. 

CONS: Too many of these stupid artifacts are named after food. Did I mention I haven’t had lunch yet?

Tasty Bone

Despite the misleading adjective, this bone is not a delicious treat (boo!) but an artifact that you can use to summon a wolf companion! This furry friend will independently battle mobs for you, while you sit back and laugh. Oh, unless you want to win. In which case, I’d recommend a less humorous but far more effective ‘stand up and help’ approach.

PROS: Wolf companion makes exploring dungeons less lonely.

CONS: I’m lonely because all of my friends with IRL pet wolves seem to keep passing away in wolf-related accidents. :(

Light Feather

Succeeding in Dungeons is all about crowd control. Get overwhelmed by hostile mobs and your health bar will soon transform from a healthy red to a significantly less healthy "empty". So this artifact, which pushes back mobs as you tumble forward – and leaves them stunned while trying to remember what game they’re in for a few seconds (Minecraft Earth?) – can be an absolute lifesaver. 

PROS: Effect lasts for 2.7 seconds and it only has a three-second long cooldown, so you can keep, er, "feathering away" to your heart's content!

CONS: As an extremely ticklish person, I can’t support any feather, no matter how useful. Sorry.

Wonderful Wheat

Think describing wheat as "wonderful" is a bit much? Clearly, then, you’ve never had the barley-based pleasure of using W.W. to summon a llama companion. Does it spit your enemies to death? No, for that would be disgusting. Keep it in your mouth, reader. It actually attacks hostile mobs in a more traditional way. Hooray!

PROS: Apparently faintly smells of "baked bread". How pleasant.

CONS: Admittedly, the wolf you can summon with a Tasty Bone is probably a more competent fighter… but where’s the charm?

Gong of Weakening

Back in my prime, I used to be gently woken each morning by my faithful butler, Weatherby, delicately ringing a delightful little bell. Alas, these days I wake up each and every morning to the sound of my housemate, Bad Horace, kicking a gong over and over. Still, I’ll admit the Gong of Weakening artifact is great for weakening your enemies. The hum that rings out from this sinister cymbal decreases nearby hostile mobs’ attack and defense. The perfect chance for you to start ringing out the counter-attacks! 

PROS: Significantly better than the Gong of Making Your Hair Fall Out, an artifact I suggested to the Dungeons development team constantly until they rang the Gong of Making Tom Go Away.

CONS: I miss Weatherby :(

Love Medallion

Love? What is this "love" you speak of? 

I decided to consult my beloved dictionary and find out:

This magnificent medallion can turn up to three nearby hostile mobs into unhostile mobs for ten seconds. 

Hmmm? What does "unhostile" mean, you ask? Let’s break out that dictionary again!

... Anyway, these once-hostile mobs will stop attacking you, and for the next ten seconds, will become your unlikely allies! They’ll attack your enemies for you, although sadly not my new enemies at the dictionary.

PROS: Turning enemies into friends is a wonderful message for today's youth (if you look past the witchcraft/brainwashing).

CONS: 30 second cooldown time is three times as long as its 10-second effect, so best pair it with another artifact for (yes!) lovely results.

Soul Healer

“I better watch my health,” is something I say to myself a lot when playing Dungeons. Fun fact: It’s also something I’ve never said outside of playing a videogame. Now let me just pour myself another large glass of gravy and tell you all about the Soul Healer. Several artifacts can harvest the souls of hostile mobs into some of the most powerful buffs in the game. This one heals you in exchange for collected souls, and all with just a one-second cooldown! 

PROS: You also get +1 soul gathering every time you use it, meaning you can instantly reap more souls. 

CONS: None! Well, I suppose that whole ‘reaping the souls of the dead’ thing is a little morally queasy, but that’s why we added the key golem, this charming golden cutie, to distract you:

Corrupted Seeds

Introduced as part of the Jungle Awakens DLC, these seeds swiftly grow into vines that entangle and poison your enemies. Handy, as keeping hostile mobs a safe distance from yourself is vital in Dungeons. But hang on... I was under the impression we were here to save the jungle from jerks? Is it really heroic to fill said jungle with poisonous plants, I ask you? In using this artifact to battle monsters, have we not become the monsters ourselves? Oh, I hear someone ringing the Gong of Stop Being Pretentious so let's move on.

PROS: Seeds become vines in a split second! Whereas usually growing plants and crops take aaaaaaaages, which is why I strongly believe no one should bother growing anything at all. Any farmers reading this, please quit your jobs immediately.

CONS: These literally-groundbreaking seeds are the final artifact in my list, which means this figuratively-groundbreaking article is over. Bye!