The Mayor of Minecraft

I recently left Mojang to return to the United Kingdom. Why? So I could pursue my lifelong dream of becoming the Mayor of England! 

...What’s that? There’s no such job as ‘Mayor of England’?

Oh.

...OK, I’ll become the Mayor of Minecraft instead.

Hold it! I couldn’t just declare myself mayor, because we thankfully live in a democracy. I needed to find a village and persuade the villagers to vote for me, by convincing them that I would make their lives 100% un-pillagey. 

So I hired a nitwit as my campaign manager and together we crafted the perfect poster, complete with bulletproof campaign slogan:

Luckily, I ran unopposed, so I won in a one-vote landslide. Thanks, me! 

As mayor, I had two goals: 

1. To keep my villagers safe at all costs.

2. To have the most beautiful village in all of Minecraft.

Two was my number one priority (er, ironically), because look at the sad state my new village was in:

To make things worse, the ground was uneven, with some villagers living a few blocks higher than others. Well, this mayor believes in equality. I got to work flattening the ground to the same block height so we’d all live in harmony on a level playing field! 

Which, er, did make one or two homes too high up and therefore completely inaccessible to the villagers who wanted to keep living in them. Yeah. Sorry about that.

Digging up all that dirt had required a lot of shovels. Luckily, I could always turn to my beloved citizens for help. I mean, who could turn down the mayor? Nobody! It was the first thing I made illegal! 

So whenever I needed resources for more shovels and pickaxes, I just helped myself to them from the home of my local stonecutter.

I built myself a pedestal so I could delight all the villagers with long speeches about how amazing I am. The only reason I couldn’t hear applause during my speeches is because the developers haven’t added ‘applause’ to Minecraft yet. Although that doesn’t explain why I could hear so much booing?

It’s tough being a popular mayor. I assume. Luckily, none of my villagers were speaking to me, so I could get on with making their lives perfect. 

Therefore, I decided to help them all get hot tans by removing the roofs from their homes.

I’m only joking, citizen! Thank me. Thank me now. 

I decided to name the village WE HAVE NO PROBLEMS HERE-LAND. Speaking of problems, my village had loads. Some of the villagers, confused by how brilliant their lives had become under my reign, were trying to run away. Weird! Also, not allowed.

Losing a villager is easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Wow, I have a pretty great life! 

I needed to restore their faith in my leadership. So I showed them my latest measure to make the prettiest village in all of Minecraft. Voila! Meet our Giant Golden Bee.

Excited hrrrms filled my overjoyed ears. I’d won back the villagers' hearts! 

I couldn’t wait for them to see their second surprise...

A giant Pillager statue!

This Pillager statue was so massive that it could be seen from a great distance away. Seen by Pillagers. Who, er, soon came to visit. 

Luckily I’m great at fighting back! Unluckily, two giant statues didn’t come cheap, so I had nothing to fight back with. So this happened:

The good news is, the Pillagers eventually left out of pity (I was weeping really loudly). So I saved the day yet again!  The bad news is, my villagers started putting up posters for this villager, and demanded an immediate election:

I ended up losing by one vote. Probably should have voted for myself instead of the villager, but what can I say? As mayor, it’s important to support all your villagers endeavours. Congrats chum! Hope you do a better job than I did. Could you possibly do worse?