Let's cheat death

I don’t know about you but I personally enjoy my Minecraft a lot more when I’m alive. No offence to our developers, but I just find crafting and mining a lot more fun than trying to play the ‘You Died!’ screen. Here, let’s try playing it now:

So I’ve put together this handy list of tips for staying alive. Just think of me as the anti-Grim Reaper. The Jolly Reaper! Hmm. I’ll work on the name.

1. Totem of Undying

As the name subtly hints at, this terrific totem prevents you from being forced to attend my seven hour lecture on why the cobblestone block is sooooo misunderstood. I mean, dying. It prevents you from dying. Please come to my lecture. Every ticket is still available!

If you have a totem of undying in one of your hands, you’re invincible! You can swim in lava, hug Creepers, stare lovingly into the eyes of Endermen, and even gorge yourself on suspicious stew then wash it down with a potion of poison. Immortality is awesome! Right, totem? 

... Hey, where’d it go?

Oh. Seems the totem only works once. Then it disappears from your inventory, leaving you mortal once more. Huh. Think I’ll get out of this lava bath now.

Sadly, obtaining the totem of undying is only slightly easier than playing Minecraft Earth on Mars (currently unsupported, sorry). You’ll need to defeat an evoker, a dangerous mob that resides in a woodland mansion.

So to get the item that prevents dying, you just have to go on a deadly quest to a deadly place to fight a deadly mob that deals death diligently. Good death! I mean, luck!

2. Hire some muscle

My life as a writer got infinitely better when I finally hired my bodyguard, Tough Pete. T.P. protects me from overly sharp pens, makes sure I’m wearing my safety mittens before I start typing on my keyboard, and gives me useless feedback on my Minecraft.net articles to soothe my delicate ego (“yeah, I think having a paragraph all about your imaginary bodyguard is a, er, great idea, boss! Yeesh. I need to find a job in a better imagination.”)

If you want a bodyguard to protect you from death in Minecraft, might I suggest the Iron Golem?

Iron golems usually defend villagers. If you want to get one to defend you, you’ll have to get expensive plastic surgery to make yourself look exactly like a villager craft one yourself.

Once you’ve crafted your Iron Golem, and watched it creak to life, you’ll naturally be horrified. You’ll never stop fleeing, spending the rest of the life living in terror of the creation you foolishly gave sentience. Oh the horror of your own scientific ability! Your disrespect of the laws of nature! The cursed life you’ve dragged screaming into the worl… oh wait, sorry, that’s Frankenstein. 

In this case, you’re delighted to meet the Iron Golem and they’re delighted to protect you. Hooray!

3. Carry a bucket

Have you ever watched 10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Minecraft? It’s our YouTube series that has never lost an award it’s been nominated for! It’s also never been nominated for any awards, but that’s hardly relevant.

What is relevant is the above episode which tells you how to prevent kicking the bucket by carrying a bucket. Firstly, because buckets can carry milk, and in Minecraft, a healthy drink of milk will cure poison. Secondly, if you fall from a great height, drop a bucket of water and manage to land in it, you won’t take any fall damage! You’ll be alive and well. Well, alive and wet, true, but now you’re just acting spoilt.

4. BUILD A SNOW GOLEM

This pumpkin-headed pal (hey, I finally got what I wanted!) will lob snowballs at any hostile mob who dares approach you. Take that, you stupid spider! Eat snow, zombie! Do your worst, Blaze! Oh, actually, you seem to be made of fire. I think I’ll run away now.

5. Go to bed

I can’t remember the last time I got out of bed. 1998? In my defence, sleeping in Minecraft is practically the opposite of knocking on death’s door (ringing on life’s doorbell?). Sleep in a bed and you’ll be completely healed and nasty night will be replaced with delightful day, meaning you’re significantly safer from hostile mobs too. Plus, if you don’t sleep regularly...

6. Invest in Mr. Whiskers

Insomniacs beware. If you ignore my last piece of advice and instead keep putting off bedtime, you’ll have to contend with the phantom.

This terror of the night skies will keep swooping for you until you either get some shut-eye or just-die. The solution? If you still insist on not just going to bed? Get a cat!

Hang on, why does the Phantom fear a cat? Intimidated by their cuteness? Can’t stand all that incessant meowing? Tired of getting furballs after licking them? Boy, I’ve been there! I mean no I haven’t.

Anyway, keep your meow-pal close and you can stargaze safely, safe from phantoms! 

WE’RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER!

I’m not one to brag, but I just saved your life six times, and I’m also really handsome. But If you’ve found a great way to avoid the grave in Minecraft, email scoops@minecraft.net with the subject line I’M TOO PRETTY TO PERISH and tell us all about it!

Enjoy immortality! Jolly Reaper out.